I have written about the shifting nature of relationships on many
occasions. In particular, my research shows that as women become more
financially established, they look more for emotional than for financial
support from their partners. I like to say they are now looking for Knights more than Kings.
I always get pushback through negative comments from my posts. Those who comment either say I don't have a clue, that women still prefer men with money over laborers who eke out a living. Some people remind me that this is primal, that women seek the best providers for their children whether children exist or not because this is an automatic process in the brain. Often, but not always, physical attraction is added to the condition of having money.
My early choices of mates may have been based on primal or learned behavior drilled into my head by my parents and peer group. I was told I needed to find my match intellectually and financially. If the man had more than I, that was better. It took me decades to figure out this was bad advice.
Regardless if mating is a result of nature or nurture, I have noticed a shift in the female selection process from both my research¹ and from my personal experience. From the interviews with women I identified to be high-achievers, I found three factors that played into their choices:
1. As the women in my study became more financially successful on their own, their need for a man to provide this security became less important.
2. The younger the women were (in their late 20's and early 30's), the more value they put on the personality of men than on financial worth and social stature. One woman said, "Looking for Mr. Goodbar is so eighties."
3. The older the women were (in their late 30's through early 50's), the more they described the importance of life experience in their selection. Now they choose men that will provide emotional support, household help, and physical attraction. Financial contribution is important but it didn't matter who made more money than the other.
I can only surmise that either the selection criteria for a mate in the United States is shifting overall or the shift is only pertinent to female high-achievers. Either way, I found these women were using four factors to select their mates:
1 Doctoral research on 100 high-achieving women documented in Wander Woman: How High-Achieving Women Find Contentment and Direction (Berrett-Koehler, June 2010).
I always get pushback through negative comments from my posts. Those who comment either say I don't have a clue, that women still prefer men with money over laborers who eke out a living. Some people remind me that this is primal, that women seek the best providers for their children whether children exist or not because this is an automatic process in the brain. Often, but not always, physical attraction is added to the condition of having money.
My early choices of mates may have been based on primal or learned behavior drilled into my head by my parents and peer group. I was told I needed to find my match intellectually and financially. If the man had more than I, that was better. It took me decades to figure out this was bad advice.
Regardless if mating is a result of nature or nurture, I have noticed a shift in the female selection process from both my research¹ and from my personal experience. From the interviews with women I identified to be high-achievers, I found three factors that played into their choices:
1. As the women in my study became more financially successful on their own, their need for a man to provide this security became less important.
2. The younger the women were (in their late 20's and early 30's), the more value they put on the personality of men than on financial worth and social stature. One woman said, "Looking for Mr. Goodbar is so eighties."
3. The older the women were (in their late 30's through early 50's), the more they described the importance of life experience in their selection. Now they choose men that will provide emotional support, household help, and physical attraction. Financial contribution is important but it didn't matter who made more money than the other.
I can only surmise that either the selection criteria for a mate in the United States is shifting overall or the shift is only pertinent to female high-achievers. Either way, I found these women were using four factors to select their mates:
- Heart - Kindness and patience have moved up the list of desirable traits in men. I am not talking about a wimpy partner who gives in to his mate. Many of the women in my research said their partners had strength of character, strong values and spoke their mind with ease. They just didn't have the need to be the boss and have the final say. In a true partnership, both can feel strong with who they are in the world and feel vulnerable in each other's arms. Neither has to sacrifice dreams for the other, though either person may agree to do this for a short time for longer-term family gains. These women want the chance to go after their career goals. When they come home, they have a partner who is their cheerleader and "knight" who offers support and never asks her to change her workload for him. This doesn't make men non-aggressive, domestic, and dependent. These men show emotional depth, compassion and strength.
- Mind - I have three advanced degrees. I was brought up to believe I needed a man who also had advanced or professional degrees. I found these men were not my match as much as my intellectual competition. I now realize it is more important my mate has an open mind. I admire a man who is curious, enjoys learning, likes to debate but doesn't have to win, and although he isn't book-smart, his life experiences have given him knowledge.
- Body - There have been many studies attempting to define the importance of physical attraction and sexual satisfaction in relationships. Few of these studies claim a long-term effect. In other words, the physical attraction you felt at the beginning of the relationship may reduce its ranking to other factors over time. The importance of physical attraction may vary from relationship to relationship, but it is an important factor to put on the list. I believe sexual satisfaction whether it is attached to a strong physical attraction or not is important to the health of a relationship.
- Money - For a long-term relationship, the key is to discuss and agree on expectations regularly and to commit to sharing both the responsibilities of making money and managing the home. In other words, neither partner should get their ego tied up in knots over doing a chore or about who makes more money. Therefore, when picking a mate, a stable income is just as important as the ability to change and even give up on beliefs about traditional roles in relationship. There are many healthy relationships with female breadwinners while the man has his own ambitions and drive.
1 Doctoral research on 100 high-achieving women documented in Wander Woman: How High-Achieving Women Find Contentment and Direction (Berrett-Koehler, June 2010).
No comments:
Post a Comment